Tweet Now I Got Beef With a 5 Year Old and Her Dad
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Parting words
My five-yr-old-son loves YouTube and seems to think that "Please subscribe to my channel" is a way to say farewell. —@emisheep
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The writing's on the wall/table
Kids get all shocked when you figure out they did something incorrect. "Mom, how did you know I coloured on the table?" Because you wrote your name on it. —@fiveoclockmommy
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Genius in the making
My wife is a teacher, and apparently one educatee has been irresolute his name to "Reconnecting" during the Zoom lessons so he doesn't become asked any questions. He'due south been doing information technology for weeks. The lad doesn't need to worry almost his education—he's already a genius. —@chrisarnoldinc
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Wait until career day
Me: What do you want to do when you lot grow upward?
Four-year-onetime: I desire to drinkable beer.
Me: No, like, what exercise you want to be?
Four-year-old: A beer drinker. —@daddydoubts
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Mutual courtesy
My daughter is mad at me because I didn't offering her a banana first thing this forenoon. She hates bananas. —@pro_worrier_
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Clothes code
After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn't come downstairs until she'd inverse out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas. —@dara_bhur_gcara
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He'll go back to y'all on that
Today I asked a kindergartner if Friday was his favourite 24-hour interval of the week. His response: "I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I'k confused all the time." —@donomo
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A worthy sacrifice
My daughter asked why she tin can't only quit schoolhouse, and I told her that it's against the law and I could go to jail. She so looked me in the eyes and said: "I'll visit you." —@ceciatl
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They abound upwardly so fast
While at a department store, I noticed a girl stare longingly at the stuffed animals and say, "I wish I was still a child."
Her dad, continuing next to her, replied: "You're 10." —@handlebrandle
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A wrinkle in his plans
While I was lying adjacent to my 4-year-sometime, he looked into my eyes, parted my hair to the side and said, "Mommy, I can't rub the lines out of your face." —@muminbits
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Care to show that?
Dubious claims my toddler fabricated this week:
- He invented the "thumbs upward."
- Only "some" lizards tin read.
- He forgot how to eat carrots.
- His daycare allows swords. —@henpeckedhal
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Function model
My seven-year-quondam drew a self-portrait, gift it to herself and hung it upwardly on her wall. From now on, I'g making her my life coach. —@gfishandnuggets
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So that'south where he went
When asked past a friend at daycare why she has two moms, my iv-year-old answered that her dad was eaten past a shark. —@bakekater
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Tech savvy
My six-year-old: I figured out the password to the tablet and bypassed the parental controls to download all my shows.
Besides my six-year-old: Assist! I put both my legs in the same pant hole and at present I'm stuck! —@not_thenanny
If yous've always provided tech support for your own parents, you'll chronicle to this hilarious story.
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Versatile wardrobe
A cursory history of my 11-twelvemonth-one-time'southward attitude toward wearing shorts:
Schoolhouse in wintertime: Shorts
Bedtime: Shorts
Camping: Shorts
Walking the domestic dog on a wet and windy day: Shorts
Expedition to the Northward Pole: Shorts
Voyage the the moon: Shorts —@threetimedaddy
The Laws of Kid Physics
A typical cup holds about eight ounces of liquid. But if a child spills information technology, that number increases to eight gallons. – @homewithpeanut
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The Long and Shorts of It
My toddler demanded shorts, and now he's crying that they're broken considering they don't cover his legs. – @snarkymomtobe
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No Spoilers
Six-twelvemonth-old: *Flips to the end of the calendar*
Me: What are you lot doing?
6-yr-old: I want to know what happens. – @xplodingunicorn
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Born Performers
The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid-tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best operation of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" you've e'er seen. – @thatmummylife
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Time Flies
My four-yr-old used the phrase "a long time agone today" to depict something that happened this morning, and information technology's probably the almost accurate clarification I've ever heard. – @thecatwhisprer
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Betcha Can't Take Just One
Me: What do you lot want for lunch?
Iii-twelvemonth-quondam: A pickle.
Me: A pickle is non a meal.
Three-twelvemonth-former: Ii pickles. – @daddydoubts
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Tomb With a View
My daughter just called a cemetery a "person garden." I'yard non sure what she thinks is going on there. – @java_assassin
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Life is Tough
Me: Why exercise you wait so sad?
Three-yr-old: *sigh* I just really dearest to eat. – @mom_tho
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Attention, Delight!
Three-yr-old: Can I tell you a question?
Me: You'd fit in well at an academic talk. – @jessicacalarco
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Exercise As I Say…
A nighttime twenty-four hour period for parents is when their kid learns what "hypocrite" means. – @rodlacroix
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Aim For the Moon
Self-confidence is my four-yr-one-time asking me to plough off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps. – @henpeckedhal
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Trip the light fantastic Like Nobody'southward Watching
Me, to my viii-year-old: Why practise you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when y'all could play them yourself?
Eight-year-old: Well, why do yous watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself? – @six_pack_mom
27 / 127
Fit For a Rex
During quarantine, when anybody was stuck at habitation, I decided it was time to replace our x-year-sometime mattresses. I asked my husband, "What size is Danny'south mattress?"
"Queen?" he replied.
I pointed out that our mattress was a queen and that of our son, Danny, had to exist smaller. Danny piped up, "I'm pretty sure it'due south a prince." – Marjorie Potato, Toronto
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As Easy equally Thumb, Two, Iii
I was teaching my three-twelvemonth-old, Becky, how to count to 10 using my fingers. Subsequently a few minutes, I got a little frustrated with her. I started one more fourth dimension and put up my thumb. "What number is this, Becky?" I asked.
She replied, "Pollex!" – Cindy Giles, Coalhurst, Alberta
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Just Because
My four-year-quondam just asked why she can't consume tacos every twenty-four hour period, and honestly, I call back I'd have an easier time explaining where babies come up from. – @sarabellab123
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Life Lessons Nosotros Lost Forth the Way
I admire how when babies don't want to hold something anymore, they merely drop information technology. – @mixedmediapaper
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Early Warning Arrangement
My girl just told me that she checks my location on my phone in club to determine when she's going to commencement on chores. – @tmikamouse
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Here For the Adulation
I made the grievous mistake of laughing at my five-year-sometime's joke, so at present I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die. – @thecatwhisprer
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Speed of Light
Me: Go back to bed.
Six-twelvemonth-onetime: It'due south fourth dimension to get upwardly.
Me: It's still night outside.
Half dozen-year-old: I'm faster than the lord's day. – @xplodingunicorn
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Cheesin'
My four-twelvemonth-one-time simply brought me a block of Colby-Jack cheese and asked for a slice of party cheese. —@ wildrainbow2
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Renewable Fuels
My ii-year-sometime thinks that cars fill up up on soup at the gas station, and now I'm really sad it's non true. —@ ThatMummyLife
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All-Mean solar day Breakfast
My four-year-sometime but looked up from her breakfast and said, "Uh, Daddy, I ordered fruit, too." So there's at least one dine-in eatery however in functioning during quarantine. —@ TheCatWhisprer
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Free Will
Me: You know better than to utilize that bad word.
Five-twelvemonth-quondam: Yep.
Me: And so why did y'all?
Five-yr-one-time: My brain said not to, simply my mouth does whatever it wants. —@ Lhlodder
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Is This Real Life?
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors. —@ HomeWithPeanut
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Custom-Made
Why do baby wearing apparel have pockets? Are people really going up to babies and proverb, "Hey, tin can you concord this for a second?" —@ Y2SHAF
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Welcome to Parenting
Your choices are:
A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for x minutes because yous opened their fruit snack.
B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes considering they don't know how to open their fruit snack. —@ momtribevibe
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How to Stop Littering
My 4-twelvemonth-old threw a wrapper on the floor. I told him to selection it upwardly and put information technology where it belonged. He put it in my purse. —@ mommajessiec
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Sleep Deprivation
Co-worker: You await tired.
Me: (Remembering that at two a.g. I had to explain to a crying three-year-old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas.) No idea why. —@ mom_tho
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Slang Words
When my kid was a toddler, my sis tried to teach him to say, "What'southward upwards, homie?" He couldn't pronounce it, and then he went around for like six months saying, "What's up, pony?" —@ anne_theriault
Test your knowledge of these Canadian slang terms!
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Math Wiz
There's going to be a betoken in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, "Gee, my mom knows everything!" And so he'll become to 6th class math course, and I'll say, "Well, kid, this is where we role ways." —@HannahEinbinder
These difficult math problems might just make your caput spin!
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Girls and Boys
The picayune girl I'thou babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, "Not anymore," and she said, "Boyfriends are a waste of time." Then she turned to her brother and told him, "You're gonna exist a waste of time." —@itsmadimay
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Make-Believe
Sorry, I can't come downwardly for real dinner withal. I have to cease the false meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside
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Old-Time Home Remedies
My v-year-sometime wrapped a sausage effectually my finger and chosen it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he's become my personal medico. —@dad_on_my_feet
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Home Cook
My kid: Can you brand me some tea?
Me: I call back yous're old enough to make it.
Me, 10 minutes after, cleaning honey off every kitchen surface: Ok, you lot were right. —@RodLacroix
Don't miss these hilarious photos of dogs working from domicile.
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Modern-Day Galileo
Eight-year-old: Mom, I desire to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Viii-year-old: I'k just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_
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Idea Experiment
If yous open a candy wrapper in the centre of a wood with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you're eating? —@mommajessiec
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you lot LOL!
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My Quotable Kid
My four-yr-erstwhile has been carrying a small notebook effectually all day. She opens information technology, writes modest scribbles and quickly closes information technology back up. She's calling information technology her "secret diarrhea." Maybe someday I'll correct her, merely definitely not today. —@momtransparent1
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Breakfast Issues
Have kids so that someone tin can ask you to cut up their bagel and so enquire you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo
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Listen = Diddled
My daughter woke me upwardly at five a.m. to urgently tell me that "Any balloon SpongeBob blows upwardly is technically a water airship," and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
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Also Clingy
Me: Mommy merely needs a little space correct now.
Kid [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom
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An Almost-Compliment
My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, "No, I'm 37." Then she asked if I'm actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama
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He Said, She Said
"… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!" –My four-year-quondam explaining how I vicious asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
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The "Why" Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult fourth dimension while we bargain with our toddler, who has just entered the "Why?" phase. —@whinecheezit
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You've Got a Friend in Me
"You're simply similar me: trash!" –My toddler, quoting Toy Story iv to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites
On that note, hither are the all-time Halloween movies for kids!
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The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid's dinner plate without asking where they would similar it. —@threetimedaddy
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A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a pic. Or, as she described it to her instructor: "I picked upwards a expressionless bug and mommy yelled at me." —@stayathomies
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Hosts With the Almost
How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies upward.*
Husband: *Fires upwards the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik
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Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This 1 has likewise little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don't like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
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Over the Moon
Today my iv-year-old asked me, "Daddy, does the moon have a job or does information technology only sit there?" —@thecatwhisprer
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Eagle Eyes
Take kids so you lot e'er have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
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What is a Weekend?
Me: Go yourself ready for school.
5-year-old: Why?
Me: It's Monday.
5-year-former: Can't we just do Sun again? —@Xplodingunicorn
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Nosotros'll Need to Run into the Carte
My daughter is in her first year of heart school and I asked if she's planning to become to whatsoever of the dances. She said, "Simply if in that location's going to be food." —@Valeegrrl
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(Un)Pleasant Dreams
My child but said good nightmare instead of good night, then no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
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Role Model
The girl I babysit: I want to exist tall and skinny when I abound up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls simply besides tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
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How Could You lot?
When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
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No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Tin I have a snack?
Me: No, you'll ruin your dinner.
Seven-yr-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
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Time to come's Looking Bright
My child just called romaine lettuce "gross kale" so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thank you for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
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At the Drive-Thru Window…
Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that'southward sweetness.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, delight! —@Dadzzzasleep
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Why And then Serious?
Me: Why aren't yous grinning in your school pictures?
Kid: Because I'm at schoolhouse.
Me: And so?
Kid: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
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At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor equally if he were off to state of war. —@Junejuly12
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Some Amenities Are Essential…
Planning a family holiday is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
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Definitely Deductible
If my kids' toys come to life, I'thousand doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
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When Kids Write Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who'south there?
A cow.
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes
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Enough is Enough
Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn
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Lost in Translation
Me: You lot're amazing!
4-twelvemonth-quondam: I'm not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross
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Magic Moment
Four-twelvemonth-old: Mommy, what if y'all never would have had kids?
Me: And then I wouldn't know how much I was missing. You make me improve. You aid me love more securely than I e'er thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I'm thankful for you and I'm so happy you're here!
Four-year-erstwhile: I'm gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Bank check out more than hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you lot smiling!
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Wake Up Call
I don't know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this historic period, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at five:45 a.chiliad. was almost definitely non a part of it. —@DadandBuried
Don't miss these hilariously awkward family unit photos!
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Toe Trouble
Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot pollex!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-one-time: My pes thumb! [points to large toe]
Me: Oh, your Large toe!
Six-year-onetime: Whatsoever! —@ DomesticGoddss
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
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When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-quondam: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-onetime: Taking a bathroom!
Me: …
Iii-yr-former: …
Me: Call up to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
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Farm to Tabular array
Three-year-old: Tin we go to the farm for dejeuner?
Me: …
Three-year-old: Daddy takes us to the farm.
Me: Um, exercise you lot mean McDonalds?
Three-year-former: Aye. —@andwhatamom
These funny photos of farm animals will leave you smiling.
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Fair Enough
My son's begging to be habitation schooled and then he can "take a actually long lunch suspension," and, like, that'south valid. —@ValeeGrrl
Want to sound smart? Make sure theseclever jokes are in your arsenal.
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A New Name
My 2-year-erstwhile referred to her coat pockets every bit "snack holes," and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
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Two Left Feet
Our 6-year-sometime does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong anxiety xxx per cent of the fourth dimension. —@dad_in_brief
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Strange Habits
I'k a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my refrigerator and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the start time. —@PetrickSara
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Practice Makes Perfect
Set up your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.thousand. to tell them it's not raining and and so demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
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Pressing Matters
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: "Mom, do you have any twigs I tin apply?" —@ashleyaustrew
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A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out some other Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why practice you always get Star Wars books?
Half-dozen-twelvemonth-onetime: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for whatsoever occasion!
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Personal Chef
Before having kids:
"I am NEVER making separate meals for my children."
Iv years afterward: "Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt 2 means, Cheez-Its." —@bretjturner
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Fish have Feelings
Son: What'south for dinner?
Me: Fish.
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to suspension from reality.]
Son: [All of a sudden stops] Await. Have I always had fish? —@DadandBuried
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Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a piffling boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, "Hi! I am Alligator" and pretended to swallow the other kid with his artillery. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
102 / 127
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he'll just eat "monster nutrient," and whatsoever that is, it'due south definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just fabricated. —@Dadpression
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A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn't realize until he was an developed that lukewarm was a existent temperature. He thought it was simply a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
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Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-twelvemonth-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Iv-twelvemonth-one-time: A tiny bit.
Me: Okay.
Four-year-onetime: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
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Public Enemy
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-upward food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, "Well I'm non here for the people." —Saladin Ahmed, writer
107 / 127
Swallow Your Veggies
"The carrots are working!"—My six-year-former son, finding his shoes in a night room. —@whatbabytalk
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Make Information technology Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
5-year-former: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, tin you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-onetime: *Just waves the packet around similar she'south throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
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No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a child in the elevator holding a stuffed sus scrofa: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn't similar you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop request questions. —Helen Rosner, food author
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A Real Bad Boy
Ane of the weirdest things people would enquire me when my child was younger was, "Is he a proficient infant?"
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I'm not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
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On Repeat
If you lot're on the contend about having kids, I suggest you listen to the aforementioned YouTube prune for v days directly, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma
Go ready to reminisce with these hilariously bad-mannered first osculation stories.
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Have Your Cake and Eat it, Likewise
3-twelvemonth-quondam: *confront covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-sometime: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
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Animals are Friends
[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can't call them that. We have a squealer.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-former: Nobody y'all know in a coating. —@XplodingUnicorn
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.
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Future Biologist
Me: You know yous can ask me anything, sweetie. That's what I'm here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only torso parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
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Foreign Cookbook
Eight-year-sometime: How come y'all simply cook nutrient that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I continue a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-sometime: …
Me: …
Eight-year-onetime: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you lot… hungry.
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Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me upwards at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me "Any airship SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon," and I accept non been able to fall back comatose. —@isabelzawtun
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Strange Stalker
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, simply then I hear one throwing a tantrum because "The moon keeps following me," and I retrieve, "Yeah, I'm expert." —@FatherWithTwins
You won't want to miss these hilarious calorie-free seedling jokes.
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Helping Hand
Me, the first fourth dimension my kid tries to assistance out: "Oh, that's so overnice. Thanks."
Me, every other fourth dimension since: "Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour." —@thedad
Upward your humor game with these hilarious short jokes.
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Condiment Lover
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
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A Bulletin From Beyond the Grave
Me: *dies*
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-Due east
Y-O-U
1000-A-K-I-Due north-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-Eastward-R? —@Carbosly
124 / 127
Guessing Game
A children's birthday party game: judge which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara
These jokes most birthdays are guaranteed to go a laugh!
125 / 127
Daily Motivation
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay downward in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I'm trying to say is she's my new life coach. —@daddysdigest
Get through the week with these funnyjokes about work.
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Back-Handed Compliment
Girl: What'southward nostalgia?
Wife: It'southward when y'all miss something that's really old.
[Later] Me: I'chiliad home from piece of work!
Wife: Aww, nosotros missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes
Looking for more laughs? Check out the funniest Reader'due south Digest jokes ever.
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Hamper Damper
How to stay on top of the laundry when you take two or more kids:
one. You tin't.
2. Find a new dream. —@MacgyveringM22
If you enjoyed these funny parenting tweets, you lot won't want to miss our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.
Originally Published: July xx, 2021
deshieldsstion1943.blogspot.com
Source: https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture/funny-tweets-parenting/
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